Whenever people ask me what year of college I'm in and hear that I'm a senior, they ask me, "Are you sad this is your last year?"
My response to that question is always this: I'm ready to graduate. I've been mentally ready to graduate since sophomore year.
College is great, don't get me wrong. It has been a heck of a ride. I've been extremely lucky to study at UNC for this long. Being surrounded by my creative and thoughtful peers is wonderful. However, the uber-competitive, workaholic college environment is a toxic environment for my mental health, and everything I've just said is an attempt to sugar-coat that truth. Last year was mental hell and this year, although I'm better off right now, is not a walk in the park.
Going into my senior year at the university, I don't care about school anymore. I don't even think about school anymore: I think about what comes next. I think about what I want to do with my life once formal education is no longer what defines my day-to-day activities. Right now I pay $4000+ per semester to work my butt off for a bachelor's degree that these days isn't worth as much as job experience. If worst comes to worst, I am qualified to work as a cook in Antarctica (it's a real job, look it up).
Admittedly, I like most of my classes at the university. All of them are project-based, so I get to apply my knowledge in a dynamic and meaningful way. Unfortunately I have five different class projects all going on at the same time, plus I have two part-time jobs on top of that, which pay the rent and my student loan debt. Sometimes I like to exercise and have a social life too. I am excited about at least half of my projects, and I like my jobs, but with everything combined, it's a lot. It's only mid-September and I'm already tired.
What's really bringing me down, what I'm really writing this blog post for, are two things. I am about to type cryptically for confidentiality's sake, but bear with the metaphor.
First, this past week I burned a bridge with someone I respect, and that's business that I feel terrible about. I know it's something I can't fix because I made a promise and broke it, and I cannot expect that person to have any trust in me after breaking a promise. We're done, and it sucks.
Second, this afternoon I got a message from someone that threatened the foundation of everything I've tried to build so far this year. Someone else I respect and look to for advice just drenched the bridge between us and the surrounding riverbank in kerosene and is about to light a match. I have to fight to keep this bridge from catching fire because I refuse to let the arsonist break their promise to me. It's not fair to me and everything I've worked for--there's too much at stake this time. They can't just give up on me, not like this, not without me fighting back. I can't believe, after all this, that they'd do that to me. I can't afford to start back at square one, not now.
It's days like today, weeks like this week, that I consider dropping out of school. Learning in a dynamic and meaningful way is fun, and a lot of my college experience has been like that, but it's not reasonable to expect me to cope with so many things all at the same time.
I'm not giving up yet. But it's crossed my mind.
My response to that question is always this: I'm ready to graduate. I've been mentally ready to graduate since sophomore year.
College is great, don't get me wrong. It has been a heck of a ride. I've been extremely lucky to study at UNC for this long. Being surrounded by my creative and thoughtful peers is wonderful. However, the uber-competitive, workaholic college environment is a toxic environment for my mental health, and everything I've just said is an attempt to sugar-coat that truth. Last year was mental hell and this year, although I'm better off right now, is not a walk in the park.
Going into my senior year at the university, I don't care about school anymore. I don't even think about school anymore: I think about what comes next. I think about what I want to do with my life once formal education is no longer what defines my day-to-day activities. Right now I pay $4000+ per semester to work my butt off for a bachelor's degree that these days isn't worth as much as job experience. If worst comes to worst, I am qualified to work as a cook in Antarctica (it's a real job, look it up).
Admittedly, I like most of my classes at the university. All of them are project-based, so I get to apply my knowledge in a dynamic and meaningful way. Unfortunately I have five different class projects all going on at the same time, plus I have two part-time jobs on top of that, which pay the rent and my student loan debt. Sometimes I like to exercise and have a social life too. I am excited about at least half of my projects, and I like my jobs, but with everything combined, it's a lot. It's only mid-September and I'm already tired.
What's really bringing me down, what I'm really writing this blog post for, are two things. I am about to type cryptically for confidentiality's sake, but bear with the metaphor.
First, this past week I burned a bridge with someone I respect, and that's business that I feel terrible about. I know it's something I can't fix because I made a promise and broke it, and I cannot expect that person to have any trust in me after breaking a promise. We're done, and it sucks.
Second, this afternoon I got a message from someone that threatened the foundation of everything I've tried to build so far this year. Someone else I respect and look to for advice just drenched the bridge between us and the surrounding riverbank in kerosene and is about to light a match. I have to fight to keep this bridge from catching fire because I refuse to let the arsonist break their promise to me. It's not fair to me and everything I've worked for--there's too much at stake this time. They can't just give up on me, not like this, not without me fighting back. I can't believe, after all this, that they'd do that to me. I can't afford to start back at square one, not now.
It's days like today, weeks like this week, that I consider dropping out of school. Learning in a dynamic and meaningful way is fun, and a lot of my college experience has been like that, but it's not reasonable to expect me to cope with so many things all at the same time.
I'm not giving up yet. But it's crossed my mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment