E-mail to My Friend: Do I Sound Crazy, Desperate, or ADD?

Hi: a stream of consciousness from me, who hasn't talked to you in a long time and is trying to make this a ridiculously long subject because she can't think of a pun to put in it

Dear Luke,

  HI! I have not talked to you in a long time, and I thought, "oh, we live in the same city, so we will cross paths eventually," but that has not been the case, because, I assume, you referee still on Saturday mornings and I am never in town on Saturday mornings. I had to skip refereeing this season. I had an injury that "benched" me for the rest of the school's cross country season, though technically no one is allowed to "sit" on a "bench" because everyone is running, but I am back running now. School is more difficult, with an endless reading, math is boring and my math teacher doesn't like me because I try to do homework while he is teaching so he changes the homework at the end of class. I still have not the coordination to juggle even one tennis ball properly. Also, I still have not learned Portuguese. 

How are you? What do you do these days? Soccer, I suppose, maybe swimming, and maybe robotics club or something that would somehow blow my mind, like the play I saw this weekend, by a group called "The Baker's Dozen," Anne Frank and Me. I was utterly amazed by how creative my peers are, and how talented they are. They make me want to be an actress, expressive and awe-inspiring; there could be no more powerful feeling in the world than being on stage for the dramatic moment, with the audience, silent, mesmerized, hanging on every word. 

Are you going to the state fair on the 22nd? I am really excited for it, and I know it will be so much fun! You should block your schedule and come. As far as I can tell, Keith is a maybe, and whether you go or not will probably determine whether he does too. Early afternoon, right after lunch is when we meet at the gate; the admission tickets are cheaper at the state fair than at the DC Fair, by two or three dollars! (So they are five or six dollars, depending on if they are pre-ordered or purchased at the gate.) I don't have my after-nines, so if my parents allow me to drive to Rollo and I end up staying later than seven, I probably will spend the night at my grandparents' house. My parents might drive me instead- it's not definite which yet.

I miss our long conversations in the lobby at the residence hall about boy scout adventures and books that never end, or they end at the beginning, and vice-versa; I kind of miss having you gently but somehow ruthlessly beat me at Pente (kind of, because I do not miss the annoying inability to "see the forest through the trees" during the game). I wish I had typed up this email way earlier.

The Magical Gate

This is a photo I took of a gate in the East Side Gallery in Berlin at the end of  March 2011.

My Fear of Appearing Weak

I am worried that I have a stress fracture on my right shin, or worse: a broken leg. I can not walk on it without feeling pain. I ran too hard these past two weeks, and now, as well as before, I am paying for it. I thought at first, "this hurts, but they're just shin splints, they'll go away as I run." They did not go away, and actually became worse. I kind of like the attention of having an injury, but at the same time, it is also immensely embarrassing. I sort of pity those who have injuries, but I don't really care that much. It seems like no big deal, socially, to have a broken leg or stress fracture.
                When I think about it, though, all I can focus on is what I wouldn't be able to do. If I have to get a cast or crutches, I won't be able to drive to school (because I need my right foot), I won't be able to run with the team, and I will not be able to make it to the bathroom and go to class within five minutes. People with injuries don't get special treatment. My left shin hurts plenty, too, but I can still put weight on it. It hurts in the same place that my right shin does. What if my left shin has a stress fracture, too? What if I have two stress fractures, and have to wear a cast on each leg? I can just imagine what would I would look like, the girl with Frankenstein feet, clomping into class like an awkward clown. If it would require a wheelchair, I would be mortified to look and feel so helpless and slow. People would stare at me and think, "oh, look at that girl in the wheelchair, she can't walk or do anything. She might be nice and all, but that wheelchair would hold me back from my other friends."
         I suppose that what I am really afraid of is being held back. I do not want to feel vulnerable and dependent. I desperately wanted to be one of the varsity athletes, but if my legs do not get better, I might not even be able to run until the spring! I feel cut off front my teammates after five days already. (After looking at horrible images of bones that have totally snapped, though, I really hope that nothing is broken.)

I know what the strong person does. She says, "Awe, man! Oh well, I better find a way to make it work." That is what I may have to do.

P.S.- My next post will be more eloquently written.