Friday, November 27, 2015

Quotes

These were some quotes that stuck with me this week. There's a theme here...

"Hope will never stay silent."
-Harvey Milk, LGBTQ rights leader

"People act, then think."
-My dad

"I'm a good person, not a nice person."
-Matthew Ponce

"People like the flavor of bullshit, the aroma. It's very rare that people will stand for a complete lack of bullshit in anything."
-James Randi, professional skeptic

"Nothing that we do as individuals matters, but that it’s vitally important to do it anyway."
-Mohandas Gandhi

 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Thoughts and words from the week

Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2015
"On and on and on..."
"I am going to be so late, we're never going to get another reservation for next semester."
"I have no idea what to say. I always blank on personal experience."
"It's hard not to see one kind of privilege cancelling out another kind of oppression."
"I still have a hard time seeing the forest through the trees."
"Wow there are so many people here who don't normally come to this."
"Back to square one."
"Wow that is really racist and I don't like it."
"Why am I mumbling?"



Friday, Nov. 13, 2015
"People think that if you have a camera, you're up to no good." -TA from one of my classes
"Why am I paying for this?"
"Wow this person who doesn't really talk much at practice is actually really cool. I am so glad they are running with us."
"What if I went to my car and ate that granola bar while everyone else is waiting for their food..."



Saturday, Nov. 14, 2015
"I really enjoyed getting to know this person this weekend."
"You aren't as mature as I thought."
"Downtown Richmond is a blast from the past. Look at that Rite Aid sign! I bet it doesn't even light up!"
"There's no way I won't PR."
"YES!"
"This race was amazing."
"Am I getting on his nerves?"
"I definitely screwed up my knee."
"I-85 between Petersburg, VA and South Hill, VA is one of the most beautiful stretches of highway I have ever driven through."

 Later that day...
"UNC,
 You have once again screwed me over for needing to conduct academic business on campus on a [football] game day. Obviously my financial, intellectual, and organizational contributions to this institution for the past three years mean nothing to you compared to someone's season pass tickets. You screwed me over last week, the game before that, last year, and it just goes to show how your contradictory corporate interests outweigh the needs of the people in the community who are actually affected by them. The system is rigged against the students and staff that fuel this university.
I have been up since 5:45AM and have not had a single break today because of how you've blocked my access to campus."

I am still upset about it and don't want to hear condolences like
'Oh, I'm sorry (but I am in a position where that doesn't affect me so I can't really say I care)'
or
'Yeah, that stinks (too bad, there's nothing to be done about it)'.
What I want is retaliation. I want answers. I want to find out and talk to the person in charge of the things I want to change for next time so that there will not be a next time.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Excerpts from my thoughts that illustrate my week

Some of these I said out loud, some of them I sent in messages, some of them I did not say at all.

Saturday, Halloween:
"I fear death by...suffocation...violent suffocation?"
"Yeah, have you talked to a priest?"
"Mother Teresa and Plank from that cartoon Ed, Edd, and Eddy. The mustache really pulls the whole thing together."
"Holy crap that guy is messed up."

Saturday, filming:
"Yeah. I do actually hope this goes viral."
"Why did I not stretch earlier?"
"I thought about asking you to come pick up all this stuff, but then I was like, I might be in the shower when you come, though."
"Oh no, so many humans."
"I have no idea what you're talking about because I live under a rock."
"My acting would be great if I could wear a mask all the time."
"I'm glad I was more involved in this one."

Saturday, Oct 31, Duke run:
"I'm the captain! I'm the one wearing the f-ing helmet, I'm the one who gets to make the f-ing rules!"
"As my friend Carolin once said, and I've been looking for an opportunity to reuse her words, 'I don't always run to Dook, but when I do you know I'm going to be wearing a Carolina helmet the whole time.' I also carried a water bottle the whole time."
"I love this two hour time span to just zone out and not think about all the things I have to do."
"We didn't get to sing the Alma Mater!" :-(

Friday night, Oct 30, costume designing:
"Number two plastic is the devil incarnate."
"I owe you a knife sharpener."
" 'Carving' 'pumpkins' is awful."
"I ask you this, as a friend: quit your job and come help me gouge the eyes out of these pumpkin masks."

Thursday, Women and Gender Studies discussion about sexual harassment:
"I feel like I can't say anything."
"I wish we had talked about the readings. I related to those a lot."
"Why didn't we talk about sexual harassment?"
"Why didn't we talk about the consequences of sexual harassment?"
"Only one person brought up a personal experience with sexual harassment. I bet there are more."
"Why are we all laughing at this? It's terrifying!"

Thursday, 1980s Aerobics workout (Taebo video):
"What?...No."
"We're kickboxing to Mario Kart songs."
"DOUBLE TIME!"
"They're all screaming in pain and loving it."

Wednesday, dinner at Café Symmetry:
"Carrot ginger lemonade...ugh I love carrots and ginger whyyyyyy did I not buy that?"
"I'm so full, but I could totally go for another."
 "I miss Alexis."

Tuesday, during a meeting:
"I should have nominated myself for a few more awards."
"Wow, I am actually appreciated." 

Tuesday, during the meeting before that:
"Tru Deli is actually pretty good. Is it something I couldn't make myself? No, but it is better than making it myself."
"We're speaking in French this time. Huh. Cool."
"Wow my accent is horrible. I need to go back to France."

Tuesday, during the meeting before that:
"Oh no I am guilty of all these things."

Tuesday, during the meeting before that:
"I don't feel like working out today."
"They already counted." :-(

Monday, Campus Movie Fest:
"I'm going to be late to practice today."
"Shit shit shit shit upload please please please please."
"I love the elevator sound."

Sunday, Oct 25, evening:
"I have so many meetings this week."
"I'm so hungry but I can't eat because I have to go run sound on a project at someone's house."
"SQUIRREL NUT ZIPPERS! They're actually quite catchy."
"Forget it, I need to go to bed before midnight tonight."
"I have so much editing to do."
"I have to get up early to move my car again." :-(

Thursday, October 1, 2015

I stopped shaving my legs; I don't want to be silent

  • Why I haven't shaved my legs
  • Why I don't shave my legs
  • Why I stopped shaving my legs
  • Why I no longer shave my legs
These are all titles I considered for this blog post. "Why I haven't shaved my legs" wasn't permanent enough. "Why I don't shave my legs" would have been a good title, but I was afraid of the permanence of saying that. Ironic.
The question: why, as my mom put it, am I "going natural"?
  • To spite society, convention, and male/female double standards 
    • And yet, I have not yet dared to stop shaving under my arms...and I know why. Armpit hair is more noticeable and makes a larger statement than legs with hair growing on them.
  • I discovered that I didn't need to shave in order for a male to be attracted to me
  • I don't want...to feel like I need to shave my legs to please someone else
  • I know several very cool women who do not shave their legs. They seem happy and comfortable with themselves and their bodies, which I both admire and aspire to.
Consequences:
  • I feel like I get weird looks, or did initially, from other people, like they are judging me for not conforming to the idealized female beauty standard.
  •  I fear that other people judge me for having hair on my legs, or I used to. Now that it has been over a month since I last shaved my legs, I feel less self-conscious about it. Looking at me from a distance, you can't even tell that I don't shave.
    • Despite this fear, the only person who has asked me about it or said anything about it was my mom.
  • My showers are shorter than ever and I save time and lots of water by not shaving.
  • I feel more confident in my body, like it's less objectified than before.
    • I still have self-doubts. Am I making a good decision by doing this? 

I can be quiet sometimes. A lot of times. All the time. Multiple people have told me that they didn't know how to read me at first, because I was so quiet: at least three co-workers at my summer food-service job have made this exact comment to me. It was baffling to them--what is she really like?

At least one person I went on a date with asked me why I never shared anything with him, my opinions, stories, why I didn't talk much...(It worked well to keep an aura of mystery about me in that case, but do I always want to keep people guessing? Eventually, they stop guessing and fill answer questions with their own assumptions. We only went on one date.) I could say that it takes me a long time to get used to new people, and I wouldn't be lying--it took me almost two months for me to finally feel comfortable around my host family when I studied abroad; it took me just as long to be courageous enough to speak to other students in my university courses in France; I have almost never been very talkative or comfortable around my male bosses, despite some of them being very open and approachable.

What I think I have become, in many of these situations, is silent. Silence is wrong. I, as a strong, independent female human being with thoughts, feelings, and ambitions, should not be silent. I should use my voice everywhere, all the time. I shouldn't wait for other people to ask me what I think and I shouldn't wait for people to tell me what they think. I should be confident and show people just how thoughtful and kooky and intelligent I am. I should just ask for things when I need them, rather than making myself struggle until I fail or explode. I see things and hear things and have opinions on them.

No one ever told me I should be silent. Not that I can think of. Growing up, not talking when the teacher was talking was a sign of respect. The teacher had the authority and the student did not. They said "be quiet," but they were never really addressing me. It doesn't matter: I internalized it. Now, it's different: I'm in a group of peers and none of us are above each other. The people who were never quiet in primary school are now really loud, and the people who were quiet before do not have much of a voice at all. Even professors, in some of my classes, I can tell, feel bad that when I finally raise my hand to say something, there is not enough time for my comment. "She was finally going to say something...What a shame." Guess I waited too long.

It's normal to be afraid, but eventually, I got tired of it. I started talking to the French students in my university classes. I decided to take down the wall I had been building up against other people.

I'm done waiting. I don't have time to wait any more. I don't want to lose my voice. It's time to speak my mind.
Time to speak up.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Stories from the Work Week

I have come to realize that my on-campus job at the university has its own set of daily stories. Maybe it is more interesting a job than I once thought...

Wednesday shift: Just saw a man get so angry that he popped a boner...because he got hit in that area with a basketball...suddenly Cards Against Humanity comes to life. 

Saturday shift: I normally don't work on Saturdays, but I picked up an extra shift to make some more money over the weekend. This particular day, there was a basketball camp going on in the courts, and many parents and their younger children were sitting around and watching their kids play. Some of the kids there were so small; they were so adorable when they try to run across the court chasing huge basketballs and it was all they could do not to fall on their faces. On the sidelines, I watched a perfectly able-bodied 6-year-old kid drag himself, face down, 20 feet across the floor with his hands and elbows to retrieve the basketball that had rolled away...then, with the basketball in one hand, he dragged himself, face down, all the way back. He won the scooching contest.

I see a lot of odd, funny things at my current job. 

Later:
The kid who dragged himself across the floor was now muttering to himself happily like a lunatic.


Even later: I discovered that the basketball camp had thrown in the garbage lots of half-full, recyclable plastic water bottles, so a co-worker and I took all the plastic bottles out of the bin, emptied them, and put the bottles in the recycling.

Wednesday, shift 1: Today at my job, I played peekaboo with a 6 year old kid while his dad played basketball. He was bored and a little shy, but every time he passed by my desk, I said, "Now where did he go? I just saw him a second ago..." and then shrieked a little as though I was startled when he popped out to the side and said "Boo!"    "Ah! You got me!"

Wednesday, shift 2:  I don't normally work two shifts in one day, but I did this time to get out of working on Friday.
I have another work story... This time it did not happen in the basketball courts (wow, shocking change of location, I know, because I normally work in the basketball courts)--it was in the Equipment Room that no one ever checks out equipment from.
The security guard was telling me and a co-worker about how he met his wife and how their zodiac signs aligned perfectly, which they didn't know until their marriage. He was in the airforce as a young man, stationed in South Korea, taught himself Korean after a few months..(his wife is Korean).
So the security guard shows us the picture of him as a young man, his wife, and in their wedding photo they are both wearing traditional Korean garb and their headdresses are beautiful and ornate.
They visited the wife's brother in South Korea last year and people were amazed that this really tall, kind of old American man could speak Korean better than his Korean wife. (Many people, like taxi drivers, thought his wife was Chinese because her Korean was rusty.) They went to this temple together and the security guard waited outside because he was tired. He started talking to this elderly woman and they were having a nice conversation when the woman's granddaughter came out of the temple.
She said to him, "I'm sorry if my grandmother was bothering you." He replied replied, "No no, we were just chatting." 
"Oh. That's funny. My grandmother doesn't usually talk to strangers. Plus she doesn't really speak English."
"Oh no, we were speaking in Korean." 
She just looks at him (confused and amazed at this African American man) and says "Oh. You speak Korean?"
The security guard watches a lot of Korean soap operas while at work, while things are slow or quiet, it's kind of funny. He is excellent at his job and a cool person to get to know, also a talented artist.  

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Thoughts of the Day: Second Day of Class

I only had one class today, ASIA 180: Introduction to Islamic Civilizations. What we talked about in class today, and actually today's reading, made me feel bad about the way I interacted with my last date in Montpellier. It made me question the validity of the information and opinions I discussed in the presentation I gave as one of my final exams last semester. I already love this class and I think the material we are going to cover is fascinating. I saw Kayla in that class, talking to Neel (who, having stopped to talk to her before leaving, had been in the biology class before that took place in the same room). I have known people in all but one of my classes so far. Weird. Such a large university, yet a small community.

On my way into the gym today, I opened the door for an international student. He was taller than me, had blond dreadlocks and a tan, and a thin braid hanging down from his forehead past his chin. "Are you exercise and sports science?"
"Sorry?" (It was a little noisy.)
"Are you exercise and sports science?" He asked again.
"No, but I work here."
"In the gym here?"
"Yeah, in the basketball courts."
We walked down the hall to where I was going to clock in and he was going to find his classroom.
"Where are you from?" He asked.
"Me? I'm from here,"  I said nonchalantly.
"I would have guessed you were from New Zealand or something, from your accent."
"Nope, I just sound weird," I replied.
He went to class and I clocked in. That's that.

Today is the first day of Marathon Club practices! Oh la la la la...

Once again, I am conflicted by my choice of majors. French and Communications are the ones officially declared, but... Asian Studies is calling my name again. I'm conflicted because I am enjoying learning the techniques of film production, the media theory behind it, and getting more involved with UNC STV. At the same time, I also want to pick up Arabic again, maybe learn Hindi as well, travel more, go back to France, other places in Europe, go to Senegal, go to Asia (India, now Japan and South Korea too, Taiwan, Hong Kong, The People's Republic of China, Singapore, maybe Pakistan), develop a skill...But Communications teaches a skill and is highly project-based...gaah how do I choose? Do I want to go to all these places by becoming an English teacher? There have to be other ways that involve getting paid, too...

ADDENDUM: On Sunday I ran into Camille in the Undergraduate Library! It was great to see her again!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Thoughts of the Day: First Day of Class, 3rd Year at UNC

First Day of Class Reflections:

Most of my classes let out early.

I wore my reversible shorts inside-out on purpose, but I didn't mean to put my underwear on that way, too...

Coffee and tea with Renata and Lucas after French class was wonderful! It was nice to catch up. Lucas is hoping to study abroad in Cairo, Egypt in the spring (I am jealous, why did I not continue with Arabic???). Renata had a great time in Poland and Wednesday is her birthday woot woot! She is having an ambiguous party of some sort on Friday.

A person my friends know is in my women's studies class, and I was surprised to meet her there. Also a person from a group I was in last year is in that class.


Today in my political science class on the analysis of public opinion, I learned that the class counts as a QI (Quantitative Intensive course)... I accidentally signed myself up for an applied statistics class...I had no idea. It wasn't listed on the course description, was it??? Oops. I hope it's still interesting and doable...
I could tell immediately from all the enthusiasm and the project descriptions but lack of real content in the syllabus that the teacher was a graduate student and not a professor. I picked up on that immediately because I myself was like that as a camp counselor. During political science class, we went around the room and said who we were, where we were from, why we were in the class and what our favorite book was. There was a very well dressed male French (?) student who likes Fahrenheit 451, a book by Ray Bradbury for which I wrote an essay that won me $75 in an essay contest when I was 14. I am a fan of Ray Bradbury's writing, it's so beautiful. Anyway, going around and hearing people's book choices, I had a strong urge to snap every time I liked what one of them said and a sudden wave of nostalgia came over me. My eyes nearly teared up as I thought about how much I missed that, sitting in a circle at Lac du Bois, cabin council or réunions de staff where we did snapped our fingers whenever we agreed with or liked what someone said. Good times.

STV Open House is tonight and I am so pumped!!!

Marathon Club starts tomorrow and I am also so pumped!!!

I am so bad at getting homework done, here I am on the computer not doing it...