Doing Things That Scare Me

This year my new year's resolution is "no BS." That includes not taking bullshit from anyone and not giving anyone any bullshit. That means no relationship drama, no friendship drama, no work drama, none of that. That also means actively avoiding putting myself in situations that will create drama.

Another resolution I have is to do something that scares me.

One of the things that I did that scared me a little- irrationally, perhaps -was participate in protests. So far I went to an undocumented immigrant protest on inauguration day, and I also participated in the refugee ban airport protest. What scared me about participating was not so much fear of getting arrested (because let's face it, I'm a white woman and thus don't pose as much of a symbolic threat to white men as other people do), but...fear of being seen. Fear of being seen as taking a stand. Acting. My parents always encourage me to be careful when engaging in any kind of disruptive activity. I sometimes often feel like my peers would not actively stand with me if I decided to participate in another protest or march. Lack of support is scary. At the airport protest and at the inauguration day protest, though, I had friends. And there were TONS of people rallying against injustice. So I felt secure in chanting amongst the throngs of people. But when it's just a few, it's scary. But you have to do it anyway because if you really care about the cause, then you have to stand up for it on your own volition. Aiming to do more of that in the future.

Another thing that I am doing that absolutely terrifies me is making a short film. It's a massive undertaking and it's scary because I feel like I am doing it alone. I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing or if my plan is working or if any of the people I reached out to are ever going to help me. Asking for help has always been kind of scary, more so in the past year or two than before, because I know I need it. It's stupid and irrational to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness, I know it's a sign of strength, but for me it is so hard to ask people for things. I feel like I don't have a large social network, or I'm reluctant to exploit the one I've got.

It's irrational, I know. Part of me is terrified because I might get rejected. I've gotten rejected when I desperately needed assistance before. I once was in a situation where I was left alone to carry two people's worth of film equipment all the way across campus. It was dark and it was about to rain and I was outside with all the equipment. I knew I couldn't handle this much stuff on my own and I couldn't just leave half of it sitting around (camera equipment is EXPENSIVE), so I called and texted ten different people who I knew had access to cars or might otherwise be available. One that I asked was sick and about to go to bed. Another I asked said she would, but she just got home and kind of wanted to make dinner. Another was at work and said she wouldn't be able to help out for three hours. Several others did not respond to my messages. Exhausted and miserable, I waited an hour and a half until the other person whose equipment I had with me could come meet me and help me carry it, which I was grateful for.

But anyway, I'm doing things that scare me. I'm asking strangers and friends alike to help me (in a way that doesn't necessarily help them in return), to spend time on me, which I would rarely ask of anyone. Last spring I blogged about empathy and how much I appreciate it and strive to be empathetic. This spring, my goal is to be more generous. It's a daunting test of relationships and bonds: who will make time for me? And how can I ever express how grateful I am for their generosity?
last edited Feb 5 2017

Cramps

I'm making a short film called Cramps, about a woman who has to sell tampons to women in a world where men can menstruate.

Funny things that happened on the first day on set:

Both the cinematographer, Elizabeth Kim, and Kate Jones, who plays Alexia, were on their periods today and had cramps. Thanks to my IUD I also have constant cramps. Hilarious, right?

We shot our first scene in the men's bathroom today. A man came by and very grumpily looked at the sign I had put on the door ("Closed") and asked "Why is it closed?"
I shrugged and told him he could probably still go in there- I didn't tell him I was filming -but he walked away. LOL.

The women in this short film have to wear jock straps stuffed with socks under their pants.

February is going to be better

Let's face it: January sucked. With Donald Trump sitting in the oval office, a cabinet full of vice, threats to women's access to safe and affordable health care, a ban on refugees and green-card-holders from from Middle Eastern, North African, and some Southwest Asian countries, not to mention my own personal depression and existential dread...January was terrible. There were good things and a lot of people came together in opposition of all this terrible shit, but January was a net negative.

February is going to be better. February is going to be a net positive.
 
Why? Well, first of all, February is Black History Month. It's a celebration of hundreds of years' worth of black and African-American culture, history, and activism. People of color have been (by necessity) the foremost advocates of social and economic justice in this country and they deserve to be both recognized for their leadership. Plus, there will be ample opportunity to join in on protests and writing to your representatives in favor of the rights of people of color.

Girl Scout cookies. They're on sale right now. I know it seems superficial in comparison to Black History Month, but buying cookies helps girl scouts fund their community service projects. 100% of the money that girl scouts earn from selling cookies goes toward their troop and their local council. Although cookies and capitalism aren't good for your health, especially not in excess, according to their website, "the Girl Scout Cookie Program is the largest girl-led entrepreneurial program in the world" and the fundraiser helps girls learn sales and interpersonal communication skills that are important to getting a job later on.

February is going to be a net positive because more and more of the inhabitants of the United States are going to actively, publicly express their dissent. There is a march, rally, protest, community meeting, and social justice education session set to occur nearly every day this month in just the local area that I live in. So many Facebook events. So many letter-writing campaigns and phone-a-thons. People care, and it's encouraging to see them taking action. I'm going to try to take more action, too. And that will make me feel better about my life.

I am an Idiot: The Story of My Keys

In my first post titled "I am an Idiot" I explained how I had to wipe the memory on my brand new cell phone merely three hours after getting it because I forgot the passcode that I set up after five minutes. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that I am an idiot. Here is some more.

In this edition of "I am an Idiot," I lost all of my keys.
Good times.

Last night I was rushing out the door because I had plans to go out with someone and I was trying not to be late. (I was 8 minutes late, of course 🙁) I called an Uber. I took the Uber. Almost four hours later, when I returned to my apartment, I learned that I had lost my keys. All of them.

The keys I normally keep on my keychain include:
My two apartment keys
The key to my parents' house
My car key
My work keys
My bike key

I had no idea what a huge pain it would be to think about replacing all these keys until I realized that I didn't have them. Why did I keep my spare apartment key on the same keychain as my regular apartment key? That was dumb. Also the office in which the spare work keys are found can only be opened by my regular work keys.

I knocked on the door to my apartment several times but got no answer. Moments later my wonderful roommate called me and I confirmed that I was the one at the door, not a random stranger. I explained that I lost my keys. Suffice to say, it's a good thing that she was home and let me back inside.

Backtracking, I knew almost immediately where I had left the keys: in the Uber I took going out. A quick call confirmed this. I waited up for an hour until he returned my keys. He was very nice about it, for which I am grateful. 

Lessons learned. I put my spare apartment key on a different keychain today, just to be safe. I'd rather lose my phone than lose my keys: you can back up all the information on a cell phone but you can't do the same for a key.

 

 

Long Walks

In addition to running, for the past three days I have been taking five mile walks. I've been going on walks to clear my mind and get out of the house. It snowed here recently and it hasn't quite melted yet; the sidewalks are still icy but the roads are mostly clear.

Today I went on my last walk before classes start. I walked from my apartment to the middle of UNC's campus and back. That's a little under five miles. It was still daylight when I started, at 3:30pm, and dark, 6:20pm, when I returned home. I stopped in a thrift shop for a little while along the way.

When on these walks, I listened to Gloria Steinem's My Life on the Road, an autobiography about to her anecdotes about grassroots organizing, journalism, political campaigns, and how travel is important to understanding the world. I tried to take Steinem's experiences as a model for what I want out of my own travels. Including walks.

Some interesting things happened on today's walk. About a mile in, I was walking down the icy sidewalk on W Main Street in Carrboro when somebody honked at me. I looked around, headphones in, and saw a bearded white man in a bright blue SUV point and glare at me as he drove past. I normally don't react to being honked at - it happens all the time when I go running - but I have to admit that I was a little afraid that this man was going to pull over somewhere and confront me. Luckily he didn't. It was light out at this point.

Nothing happened while I was on campus. Everything but the dining hall and student stores were closed. That being said, there were many students milling about, eagerly anticipating the start of the semester tomorrow.

On my way back from campus, it began to get dark. Gloria Steinem's audiobook narrator talked to me about how she held discussions with women about voting for candidates based on the issues they supported rather than strictly on party lines. I accidentally stared at one of my professors as he got out of his car to go into Fedex. We made brief eye contact and he turned away quickly. I was amused. Either he didn't recognize me in that fleeting moment, or he just wanted to avoid having to see or say hello to someone he knew but didn't really want to talk to. I get that. I do that too.

In Carrboro, a middle aged white man on a bicycle stopped me and asked me for 25 cents. Smart, I thought. No one gets upset about giving someone 25 cents. He asked me what my name was. I smiled and politely told him my name was Mary. As I fished a coin out of my wallet and handed it to him, he asked if I had a boyfriend, obviously asking so that if I didn't, he could somehow repay me for the 25 cents. I grimaced. "Yup, I have a boyfriend, isn't that crazy." He said "oh well," still cheerful, perhaps a little drunk. "Hey, can I have a hug?" "No, sorry," I said, and walked away. He yelled "Thank you, Mary!" a few times after me. It was close to sunset, across the street from Cat's Cradle, a concert venue near the grocery store.

Moments later, I crossed the street. A woman I was passing asked me if she could borrow a dollar. I said absolutely, and gave her a dollar. I asked her how she was doing today, and she said she was fine. Just getting out for a little bit to enjoy the sunshine after being stuck inside all day. I told her that's what I was doing too. She had a pretty smile.

I don't tell about me giving money to people just to make myself look good- that's not the point, I'm not seeking validation for being a charitable person or anything -but
A) to point out that there are a lot of people in this area, even in this very safe area to live in, who probably don't have enough money to buy food or bus tickets on a regular basis, and
B) I was trying to be more open to people addressing me while I was walking down the street.
I was much more comfortable giving this woman a dollar than giving that other man a quarter.

The PTA Thrift Shop was open today, so I stopped inside to see if there was anything worth buying. I was looking for board games, but I didn't want Harley Davidson Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, or a puzzle, which was mostly what there was aside from more children's games. I found but did not buy a Twilight water bottle that was "Team Jacob." Really missed my chance there, I know.

There was a man in the thrift shop who seemed very enthusiastic about coming back next week on his birthday. One of the cashiers told him she'd make him a birthday cake, which got him so excited. He was turning 61 soon. The cashiers were cordial and very patient with him, telling him that they'd have pineapple upside down cake for him when he came in next week. They giggled with relief when he he left, but only said good things about him. Another man came in a short while later and one of the cashiers commented to the other that one of their regulars had shown up again. It hadn't really occurred to me, but of course there must be regulars at the thrift shop. Regulars looking for something to flip for a profit, maybe.

In passing the bus stop by my apartment complex, an older woman said to me, "Hey! Come here." I was a little unsure, but nonetheless I turned around and walked over to her. She told me I had a beautiful nose. I said that that was very nice of her to say. She told me that I had a beautiful nose and that I shouldn't get it broken. Her nose had been broken, she said, and now it wasn't straight, although it looked fine to me. "Come here and look," she said. "Look at this. Do you see this scar?" It was a scar that stretched from her ear down to the middle of her cheek. "My husband did that to me. He hit me and he broke my nose and he hurt my face. If your husband ever hits you, LEAVE." Astonished, I promised her that I would.

Finally, when I was walking up to my apartment, someone in a truck waved at me, and who should it be but my boss and Alex! They had just dropped off my neighbor, who also works at Campus Rec. I was pleasantly surprised to see them.


Normally, I don't walk to and from campus for school. I ride the bus or ride my bike. In her book, Gloria Steinem says that she doesn't drive, herself, because she finds community in public transportation. I interacted with more people than I expected to on today's walk, and although I can't make a sweeping statement about being "forever changed," I can at least say that it's worth making yourself a tiny bit uncomfortable to make conversation with the people around you. You never know what they might have to say.

Let's Talk About Planned Parenthood in Texas

In this blog post, I will be responding to a slew of comments on this Mic. article: https://mic.com/articles/160424/texas-officially-defunds-planned-parenthood?fb_comment_id=1316213465087743_1320093818033041&comment_id=1320093818033041#.H0BV1vwLS

Here I have literally taken screenshots of every single comment made between the article's posting date and 00:51 on Dec 24, 2016. There are many comments. You're welcome. Let's begin.

This is Kevin.

Kevin is a middle-aged white man. He has what I presume from his Facebook profile are a wife and a teenage/college-age daughter. I don't want to believe that he harbors ill feelings towards women in Texas, but Kevin's comments indicate a lack of understanding of what it means to have physically accessible, financially accessible health care and resources.

Kevin felt strongly about the Mic. article and thus has engaged in a lot of discussion with other people on Facebook about it. Here they are. My comment, which is partially shown at the top of the first image, will be shared later.

10th Amendment gives any not-specifically-federal powers to the states and the people.  Kevin here is hopeful. There will be other solutions! But what are those solutions? By the way, health insurance is a fickle beast, even government-provided.

The Texas that is run by older white men who don't have vulvas, uteruses, periods, or financial troubles probably will not elect to have Medicaid absorb abortion costs. Also, I guess it's morally bankrupt to live in Texas and pay state taxes there. Good thing it's so easy to quit your job, move to a new state, find a new home there, find a new job there, get a new state ID card, and pay for moving costs. Wonder why more people don't just move whenever they want to.

Kevin's comment here confuses me. Since when are women threatening to kill doctors if they don't provide abortions or pap smears? Doctors who provide abortions or even just women's health services are stalked, harassed, and murdered in this country far more than other kinds of doctors. Carrie is right about TRAP laws, like medically unnecessary admitting privileges in Texas.

Angela was a little crude here but the point she makes is that Kevin's perspective is that of a person who is not affected by women's reproductive health and doesn't think that anyone else is either. Paul's comment on religious beliefs isn't exactly relevant but it's not irrelevant. However, his criticism is on point: it is cruel to deny someone a crucial health care service because you personally wouldn't use it.

Whitney explains to Kevin that pap smears are technically cancer screenings (for cervical cancer caused by HPV), but that doesn't mean they are covered under health insurance as cancer screenings. If you are denied Medicaid and can't afford decent private health insurance, you're paying for everything out of pocket. Providers work where they live and then work way far out because medical facilities really need doctors these days.

Good for you for being able to pay out of pocket for your shots, Lacy! Glad it wasn't too expensive. True, lots of health care providers do take Medicaid. That doesn't mean that all OB/GYNs will have fair cash prices or that the health care providers nearest you will accept Medicaid.

I doubt that the press would care that Medicaid doesn't cover everything... No one's tax dollars go toward abortion... If you can't fund an abortion, which can cost between $350-$3K depending on whether your insurance covers it, the number of hoops you have to jump through, and travel costs associated with going to a clinic way far away because it's the only one who will take you/the nearest one...if you can't even pay for an abortion, how can you be expected to be able to afford having a child? Also state-provided Medicaid doesn't cover you outside the state you live in.

"There is no way anyone is denied basic service through Medicaid." However, people are denied Medicaid, and those who need "basic service" more frequently than others or need more than "basic service" have to pay out of pocket for more services even if they have Medicaid. Many people enroll in Medicaid because they can't afford other health insurance providers.

Calling people sexist isn't the most effective way of getting them to see your point of view or change their minds. However, Mike raises a good question: "What do you think Texas will do when faced with the children born because of lack of services? Or women facing advanced cancer because of the same?" "Do you think that men should lose access to viagra?" is, in my opinion, a valid question. If men's reproductive health isn't denied to men at any medical institution, why are so many reproductive health services denied to women?

You can appeal, but that doesn't guarantee that your appeal will be granted. There isn't a place in every town where you can get a free pap smear or mammogram, by the way. Pap smears out of pocket can cost at least $60. That's just the cost of the test, not the appointment. I don't really know why Kevin asked Mike if he'd rather let people die, maybe a deleted comment in there somewhere, but more women will die trying to self-abort or by not having access to a place that provides pap smears, mammograms, contraceptives, and STI testing if all 34 Planned Parenthoods in Texas get shut down.

Correct, you have no say in anyone's right to pursue an abortion. Actually, there is more than one good reason for Planned Parenthood to exist! Service-wise, they provide family planning counseling, pregnancy counseling, educational materials for public schools, STI testing, contraceptive information and insertions, and more. The services they provide literally do cover the poorest of the poor. Planned Parenthoods are up-front about costs of services and help you find ways to finance your use of their services. Why is it a bad thing to have services covered both by Planned Parenthood and other institutions? 

There is such a thing as having a sexist attitude when talking about getting rid of a medical institution that is almost exclusively used by women. Planned Parenthood is an affordable, federal-government-funded organization that provides screenings and other services. Who else are you referring to? And to what extent are the cancer screenings like pap smears "affordable"? Affordable as in a woman working a minimum wage job can afford to take a half-day off work to go to the doctor?

Insurance like Medicaid is not the person that performs those services, though. Doctors perform medical services. There aren't a lot of options for people with low incomes when it comes to finding health care providers that won't nickel-and-dime them.

You lose 34 health centers by losing Planned Parenthood. That's a lot. What is gained by keeping a federal entity when its services can also be given by another entity is that there is less overcrowding at other hospitals and clinics, there is more space for doctors to practice in, more doctors offices closer to the places that people live and work, and more time slots available for appointments.

16% of Texas residents are uninsured.

Texas has the second largest population in the US. California has the largest population, but only 8% of California's population is uninsured.

She doesn't know English? That's a rude assumption to make.

Ultimately, I don't think there was a winner in the comments. If you look at comments on the Facebook posting for the article, many people recognize that taking away Planned Parenthood in Texas does no good for women's health. Kevin is among those who do not have much experience with needing but not having physical or financial access to reproductive health services, or having to jump through hoops to receive access to these services, and his comments show as much.

Many people get turned off by flagrant language and anger when talking about any social justice issues. That being said, it's hard to be a social justice supporter without a certain level of anger. The anger isn't unjustified.


My comment was more or less that there are 34 Planned Parenthoods in Texas, and only 5 of them actually perform abortions. Medicaid in Texas does not pay for abortions anyway. If the state government of Texas takes away patients' ability to pay for their health care services at Planned Parenthood with Medicaid, and only 5 out of 34 of the Planned Parenthoods provide abortions (and 9 do abortion referrals), then what the state is really doing is limiting women's access to reproductive health care, not just abortion. They are limiting women's ability to choose where they can get general and reproductive health care, and limiting their financial and physical access to it.

What I Want For Christmas

I would like the following material gifts for Christmas:

A copy of the French edition of the graphic novel Persepolis, by Marjane Sajtrapi
A copy of the book The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood
A Kitchen Aid stand mixer (lol)
A slow-cooker cookbook
A cooking/baking with alcohol cookbook
Empty (or full) round Camembert cheese boxes--camembert cheese specifically
A professional DSLR or Camcorder (lol)
Money, of course. Gotta pay that rent.


I would like the following non-material gifts for Christmas:

Legislation in favor of human rights
People to stop watching pornography because it perpetuates male-pattern violence and men's degradation of women
Insurance companies to not scam the heck out of consumers seeking affordable healthcare
Sleep
Time